Saturday, July 17, 2004

Skidmarks: Don't Fart none, won't be none.

Tucker Maddox
Count this as an update I guess to Mario's birthday story. Next day next morning alllllllll the after effects of last nights partying have surfaced and I guess I forgot one major rule of thumb when it comes to the next morning: DON'T TRUST YOUR FARTS. Now I know, "we don't wanna hear about you shittin yourself", but I feel something must be done to prevent this from re-occuring with others. First of all everything about you the next morning is evil from your breath to your smell all the way down to bodily fluids/gasses. Ever smelled your piss after a hard night of partying? You could easily take off varnish with that stuff, I think I could strip paint with it. Breath? Oh don't get me started on that one. Anyone, and yes if you've ever been hungover with me it includes you, that I've ever talked to when they have drank the night before has EVIL breath. Dragon breath, witches cough, demon phlegm, whatever you call it it's horrible. Gas is in a category all its own; first of all a fart from a sober person can be evil but add some beer/liquor, let it ferment overnight and then let out slowly could reduce China's population in half. That's not all, that being said the same person with gas such as that also can shit a creamy substance known as butt mud. This is where Chappelle gets his term "mudbutt". Butt mud has the same warmth and consistency as air. Same pre-exit start up, but then SPLASH! Not at all what a fart should feel like. Well see as I was sitting here typing away about how much fun I had last night, it happened...I trusted it, but dammit it was lying to me the whole time. Luckily I made it to the bathroom in time to see the Browns to the Super Bowl. I've learned an important lesson today: Don't trust your farts, period.