Thursday, July 29, 2004

D_Skins are D_Shit

Tucker Maddox
I don't know if you've seen the commercial: Black guy hitchikin, gets picked up in a truck by a weird white guy, white guy has crap for music in his cd player that starts skippin, black guy pulls out cd from cd player and then whips out his own cd from his own cd player and puts it in white guys cd player, black guys cd has a d_skin cd condom on it for protection, cd does not skip; Well after I saw the commercial I decided that I wanted to check into this new product. I headed straight to Walmart and picked me up a pack. They come in a silver tin almost like an AOL cd, and inside are 5 micro-thin sheets of cd protectors that snap on to any cd, dvd, or game disk. So I put em to the test...Music cd: I threw that thing like a frisbee about 5 times into the street shiny side down, normally that's homicide for a cd. But not with my D_Skin condom for my cd. 100% protection from scratches. DVD: Kicked that thing shiny side down a few times on the concrete in my carport, still no scratches. 100% protected...You can just about guess how my ps2 disk test went, flawless...These things are fuckin awesome and if you haven't heard about them yet, go here D_Skin homepage. Take my word on it, they work EXACTLY as described, enjoy.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

I'll take my yellow jersey now.

Tucker Maddox
Well my two goals that I had for this site, once I took on the identity of TuckerMaddox, was such: have a link to my site on TuckerMax's site, and be listed on Maddox's statistics pages for referrals to the site. *See for yourself 1  2. In the second one you can see some of the other sites that have less referrals and if you look close enough, for two days I topped even his own fan site and some google searches. I've now officially accomplished both...Look what I did bitches, look what I did. Did you do that? No... Now here, let me help you with my zipper, open your mouth...

Friday, July 23, 2004

How to get AOL free like me in just 3 easy steps.

Tucker Maddox
1. Call in to cancel.
AOL employees in the saves dept. get paid an extra incentive or three for keeping your account active. Even if its not right you'll get two free months. Trust me I worked there.

2. Make friends with an INT (Internal Employee).
Buddies that are INT's can get you free months on your account. Only one every month or three because it triggers a flag if it's a non-saves dept applying a credit.

3. Download AOL Communicator.
AOL communicator allows you access to your AOL email and Buddy List without having to use AOL. The plus side to this is if ever you're sent the "Your account will be terminated soon" letters, you can use communicator. AOL uses a *per logon* session trigger to a: check if you've read the termination letters, and b: determine when your account will be closed. So stay off AOL as long as you can by using Communicator.

Trust me I worked there for two long years and I was considered cream of the crop when it came to this type of shit. To all my former AOL employees reading this right now, I know you guys have been telling me to post this earlier but naaaahhhhh now's good. Just call up and say you want to cancel due to disconnect issues, they'll give ya 1-2 months just for that. I got 99 problems but an ISP ain't one.

Comments Temporarily Down.

Tucker Maddox
Comments system is being revamped, I'll be using haloscan in a few days. Oh wait, I think that makes me a copycat since only 50 bajillion people use that system. Crap...whatever shall I do? But yeah it's a lot better than the comment system blogspot has set up imo. Til then just use my email to tell me how you feel, although I really must insist you read the disclaimer first. 2 people so far have reported back after sending hatemail that they recieved a "punishment" from their isp. Losers...that's what you get for messin' with TuckerMaddox bitches...

HATEMAIL and More.

Tucker Maddox
This just keeps getting funnier and funnier. I woke up this morning, took my tmobile sidekick off the charger when I saw it: Two fresh new hatemails bright and early. Who could ask for anything better? If you didn't read my disclaimer before mailing me its out of my hands. First of all, most ISP's have an email address you can forward anything vulgar to, ie: Abuse@ispnamehere.com. So think about what you are doing before you do it. Second of all just to give you morons some insight about my pen name (tuckermaddox), TUCKER MAX is one of my favorite writers idiots. That's why there's been a link to his site since the beginning. Maddox is another one of my favorite writers. I pay tribute to both with a moniker that contains BOTH of the greats' names in it. Idiot...See, when any of the people I know visit this site, they see the links to Tucker's site and they see the links to Maddox's site. ADVERTISEMENT. What have you done to advertise Tucker's site simple word of mouth? I've been doing that for two years now and it looks like I've found something better. Not only, are you spreading the word because his site is kick ass, but now you're spreading it even more due to his article on me "Dude, check out what Tucker said about this guy". Looks like no matter what I do you are still under my control whether its conciously or subconciously. I came up with my own identity; how many other people are named TuckerMaddox? Learn what plagerizing is and then get back to me. So I guess all the people that name their kids after celebrities are plagerizing too right? Dumbasses. Nothing was stolen from anyone you morons.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

"Who you talkin bout? You Bitch..."

Tucker Maddox
For all those that need something else to understand my motivation on this site and some of the articles purchase J-zone's Albums, but especially listen to a song called the Bum Bitch Ballad. I dedicate that song to you bitches.

Tucker Maddox Gets Roasted

Tucker Maddox
Visit Tucker Max's site for the official page where the shit started. Let me make a few comments on this: I could care less. I got about 1000 hits on the site in just the last 10 minutes due to that. There's NO SUCH THING as bad attention. Attention is attention, and the more shit that get's talked, the more advertisement I get. So thanks for the promotion. Check out TuckerMax's site by using the link in the lower right of this page if you want to see some funny shit. I got roasted no doubt, but seriously, IT'S A BLOG SITE. Not a mirror of anyone else's site, all my shit is ORIGINAL, meaning you can't find the same post anywhere else. Idiots...So stop wasting your life combing comments on forums and do something constructive if you have a problem with this site. Alt-f4 closes the browser window, that way you never have to see this site again. I'm still laughing at all the hate mail I've recieved in the last 10 minutes. ADVICE: Use an English translator if you don't speak English. Again, thanks for the promotion.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Jib Jab

Tucker Maddox
If you haven't been already, you need to visit http://www.JibJab.com and check out the spoofed "This Land..." song. I'd have to say it's pretty funny no matter what side you're on. *cough* Lousy Republicans *cough*

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Semper Fi Jeff...Carry on.

Tucker Maddox
A tribute to CPL. Jeff Lawrence of the Us Marine Corps. that died recently in Iraq. We went to the same high school and were both in the same graduating class... Though we weren't the closest of friends he and I still said what's up every now and then and even stopped to chat on occasion. He played football for our highschool and I clearly remember throwing the ball with him on the field a few times here and there. He most likely would have made a great quarterback but he instead chose to serve our country Thank you for doing what you were asked to do for your country, and when we have our high school reunion we will remember you then. I will pray that you make a safe journey to your final resting place in heaven man. Godspeed Jeff, ooooh rah and Semper Fi soldier...carry on. UPDATE: I also learned that he had a baby daughter by the girl that he was dating at our school recently. This happened about two weeks ago I just didn't write this in time, but better late than never. The story as read in our local paper is here AZ Daily Star Article. Take care man I'm sorry this had to happen to you and your family.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Skidmarks: Don't Fart none, won't be none.

Tucker Maddox
Count this as an update I guess to Mario's birthday story. Next day next morning alllllllll the after effects of last nights partying have surfaced and I guess I forgot one major rule of thumb when it comes to the next morning: DON'T TRUST YOUR FARTS. Now I know, "we don't wanna hear about you shittin yourself", but I feel something must be done to prevent this from re-occuring with others. First of all everything about you the next morning is evil from your breath to your smell all the way down to bodily fluids/gasses. Ever smelled your piss after a hard night of partying? You could easily take off varnish with that stuff, I think I could strip paint with it. Breath? Oh don't get me started on that one. Anyone, and yes if you've ever been hungover with me it includes you, that I've ever talked to when they have drank the night before has EVIL breath. Dragon breath, witches cough, demon phlegm, whatever you call it it's horrible. Gas is in a category all its own; first of all a fart from a sober person can be evil but add some beer/liquor, let it ferment overnight and then let out slowly could reduce China's population in half. That's not all, that being said the same person with gas such as that also can shit a creamy substance known as butt mud. This is where Chappelle gets his term "mudbutt". Butt mud has the same warmth and consistency as air. Same pre-exit start up, but then SPLASH! Not at all what a fart should feel like. Well see as I was sitting here typing away about how much fun I had last night, it happened...I trusted it, but dammit it was lying to me the whole time. Luckily I made it to the bathroom in time to see the Browns to the Super Bowl. I've learned an important lesson today: Don't trust your farts, period.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIO!!!!!!!!!!!

Tucker Maddox
Well it's about fucking time you turn 21 man...Today, well yesterday I should say was my good friend Mario's 21st birthday so of course you know we had introduce him to the bar life, and introduce him we did. Mario lives way off in BFE (Butt fuck egypt) a good 2 hour drive from the most northern point of the city I live in. 8 beers and two hours later he calls us to let us know he's now in town and the night is about to get started. Oh man I have a fuckin headache...We took Mario downtown to Maloney's and ordered a round of pints for everyone. I think I need to fill you in a little on Mario's stats here: 5'4, 145 maybe, MEXICAN, and I forgot to mention not a heavy drinker. I'd say after about half of that first pint Mario turned Chinese on us and started squinting when he talked. Everyone by now is plastered with anywhere from 11-14 beers in them with the exception of Mario, but that pint was basically 6 beers to him instead of 3. He finishes the pint...At fucking last he's done so now we can order some more. MCD, the Jagermeister drinkin alcoholic sponge, orders a round of Jager shots. If you've never had Jager before you're not missing anything. To me it's black antifreeze mixed with black licorice candy mixed with road tar. Fucking disgusting...If you like Jager you're probably the type to peek back in the toilet after pinchin a loaf to check color and consistency. Again fuckin disgusting...So now I have roughly a 12 pack and now a shot of satan's piss in my gut, everything's fuckin hilarious to me now. Matt trips on a step, Fuckin HILARIOUS, I piss on the toilet seat in the bathroom FUCKIN HILARIOUS, none of that shit was that funny but damn Jager fucked me in half. After a good 30 mins later we decided Mario hadn't had enough to drink *note 1 pint and a shot of Jager* so again we order a round of beers for us all. Now we're gettin' somewhere. Mario not only is squinting but can't remember his last name which is hard as fuckin hell to pronounce anyways. Something like Aravalliaga...Try that shit 3 times fast. He can no longer hold his head up, no longer speak without breaking up into laughter, and anytime we walked around he would get lost in the crowd. I'm fucked in half everyone's fucked in half, but Mario, no he's got me beat. I would tell you more about the night and Mario's fuckin awesome birthday we had for him, just I can't remember shit right now and after one more pint of beer and the drive home I really don't remember shit. Happy Birthday Man!!

Sunday, July 11, 2004

"Fuck You Bitch", and Kept Goin'...

Tucker Maddox
I must have "I'm 6'3 225lbs and strong, but I'm a pussy" written in bold black letters on my forehead. Every time I go to a party some punk pussy ass chump wants to fight me, somebody explain this one. Friday's party was the first party of the weekend and it ended with a bang. Note, not much happened during the party at all that's why I'm only highlighting the end of it. Some girl *note hideous wench* was standing in front of me blabbing away. You've probably seen this girl around, you know tennis skirt, tight fitting shirt, trucker hat, and blonde frosted hair...you know. First of all don't step on my damn toes, and if you're gonna step on my toes twice, make sure you're not wearing a skirt. So after the second time she stepped on my shoes I decided to treat myself to some upskirt and laugh with the fellas. I pulled her skirt up and held it high for all to see, pity she wasn't wearing any underwear...The first time I did it she never noticed and I held it like that for about 2 minutes. The second time I got more bold about it and held the skirt up as high as it would go, guess she felt the tug cuz she turned around and said something. At this point I was down 7 beers or so, so what she was saying really wasn't important at all. Well I guess she got mad that I really wasn't listening so she hits me in the chest. Best way to describe the pain: Drop a tissue from about 6 feet high on your chest, not a box of tissues but one single tissue. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! So said girl decides since she's too damn puny to do anything she'll go get her boyfriend. Oh no watch out...Aberfuckface & Bitch guy gonna whoop my ass now...She pointed me out and I stared as he took one look at me and then looked away and they both left the party. What guy, who's not pussy, is going to let someone see their girlfriend's goodies at a party, and not go say anything? Ah well I guess when you see TuckerMaddox doin' it, it's ok. Saturday's party was twice as fun, this time I thought I was going to get to destroy someone. It all started when DDW had us follow these girls to a party way up on the North East side of town. A buncha Ritch Bitch Crackers if ya catch my drift...*yes i know its rich, its a pun dammit* We get up there and there's a total of 7 guys and 4 girls. Great party...It turns out 3 of the girls are there with their boyfriends so that left us with one girl between 4 guys. So the tension was in the air and when you have 4 drunk guys and one drunk ass girl, there's a lot of pushing and shoving. But see...TuckerMaddox wasn't into this troll so I decided to talk shit and make the night interesting. One of the girls, we'll call her Wanda Slapdafuckouttaher, called her boyfriend a bitch because he did everything she told him to. *In your best Valley Girl/Pet Detective/Keanu Reeves voice* "Oh hell no you didn't call me no fucking bitch", at which point I looked him square in the eyes and said "Yes, she called your lil' bitch ass a bitch". He asks me after clearly hearing me call him a bitch to his face if that was indeed what I called him. So I looked at him again and said "yeah bitch that's what I'm calling you". Hesitation... ... ... *Should I get in this big dude's face and tell him not to call me a bitch?*.... *What if he destroys me, I mean, I'm pretty gay and he's a lot bigger than me...*Fuck I know I should have taken that E, maybe this ass whoopin wouldn't be so bad*... 2 whole minutes pass without him saying a word to me but staring at me intently the whole time. What did he end up saying to me before the night was up??? Not a damn thang...As we're walking to our cars in the parking lot, I turned and said "Fuck you bitch" and kept goin...still I heard nothing.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Arnold's Sucks List

Arnold Schwollenpecker
Elmer "I suck at throwing strikes" Dessens - Arizona Diamondbacks Pitcher
You know you fucking suck when your last in the rotation on the worst pitching staff in the Major leagues. An ERA of 5.05 and you haven't thrown passed the 6th inning all season Christ almighty. Best season was when you sat out all 162 games with an injury.

John "I suck at taking a stand" Kerry - 2004 Presidential Nominee
Jesus Christ how man pairs of flip flops does one man own. I haven't seen this asshole stick with one of the decisions he's made since the democratic primary's started. He's for the war he's against the war, send the troops, bring them home now the asshole says he will keep them there. Christ almighty. The other 2 ass clowns running suck but Christ at least we know what we will get with them. You sir are nominated for jack ass of the year.

VIN "I suck at acting" Diesel - Fast and the Furious, Pitch Black
You my friend couldn't act stupid. Fast and the Furious was, by far, one of the worst fucking displays of acting I have ever seen. The playboy models in the Andy Sidaris movies have more substance then you. The best acting job you have done was in A Man Apart and you fucking blew balls in that. How fucking long did it take you to get ready for XXX cuz it sure seemed like they threw you in at the last moment and you read from a cue card. Give Jenna Jameson an Academy Award next to the bullshit you call movies.

Lil "I suck at making music" Jon - Rapper
If you take that fucking gold out of your mouth maybe we can understand what the fuck you are saying. Only thing I can understand what you're saying is make all these bitches crawl. Trying to crawl away from your no talent ass. I can scream into a mic too and IM not getting paid for shit. You my friend is why music downloading should be legalized and free. Nominee number 2 for JACKASS OF THE YEAR.

Al "I suck at running a team" Davis - Owner of the Los Angeles Raiders
You my friend are the reason I try not to admit IM a Raiders fan. Why the fuck did you let John Gruden go. I hope you actually saw his team Ass Fuck you like the guy from American Me. I have never seen anyone make so many bad decisions for a team. Decided to build a team around Rich Gannon. You must be fucking stupid. Rich Gannon was mediocre at best. Might as well have had Jeff George a your quarter back. Al Davis i salute you and would like to present you with the JACK ASS LIFE TIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD.

MORE PEOPLE WHO SUCK WILL BE ADDED SOON.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Tucker Maddox
Been some technical difficulties lately but now everything should be back up and running...

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Coach K and the LA Fakers.

Tucker Maddox
If you personally know me, you know that I'm a Lakers fan. I've been one since the good ol' days of Magic Johnson, and I've even met AC Green; that aside they suck ass right now. Also, my favorite college teams are such: Michigan, DUKE, UNC Charlotte, and Georgetown. So we see a common link between Coach K and myself, and honestly I have to commend him for not going to the lakers. Coach K has a reputation to uphold and when you come to a team that has one of the top five payrolls but just got bent over a desk and ass pillaged with a rusted ice pick, you'd say no too. 8+ million a year and he said no: know why? Lakers just got stomped royally and not even a peep came from them after game 2. I chose not to watch anything after game 3, I already knew. I'm going to start a new business: The Make A Brick Foundation, for every shot a player misses he has to cough up 10 dollars. I could bankrupt Kobe, Iverson, and Shaq (free throws) in one season. Coach K, good move, even we Laker fans don't approve of the team. Can't wait for college basketball to start up again...

Monday, July 05, 2004

DAMN FORIEGNERS

Arnold Schwollenpecker
I hate you fucking CHINKANESE bastards. Now that I got that off my chest IM going to tell you what happened. So its Saturday, July 3rd. Just hit up circuit city to see if Shellshock Nam '67 came out. Bitch ass video game companies not releasing games when they say they are. Anyway I am hot as hell because its like 688956765 degrees outside and this bitch ass in the seat next to me is telling how cold it is in my car. So keep in mind my fuse is already short cuz I'M sweating like frosty in the green house. So with this unbearable heat I recalled seeing a Chinkanese dollar store advertising two 20 ounce sodas for a buck. So I'M like what the fuck I'M hot and thirsty and I know broke ass here is too and he aint got no money so I felt like being a good Samaritan. I get in there they had a lot of cool ass cheap toys and decided to browser. The whole time I was in there the slant eyed fucker behind the cabinet eyeballed me the whole god damned time. So I bought 2 packs of water balloons for the 4th, and grabbed the 2 sodas. As this asshole rings up the shit he so swiftly proceeds to ring up 1 soda twice charging me for 3. I never left the fucking store as I caught it right away. I asked him why he swiped the same soda twice and the other one once. The dick said something in his Chinkanese language to 1 of his 40 wives and I know he was talking shit cuz I could tell by the tone in his voice. He said he didn't and I asked to make sure he hands the receipt in my hand. Then the fucker has the nerve to tell me that its his right as an American entrepreneur to not provide a receipt to his customers. I proceeded to call him a liar and he told me if I don't like it I can leave. Now a rational person would have left, but I was still hot and this Asian piece of shit just pissed me off even more. So I told him that its my right as a true American not to get ass raped by slant eyed dipshits who cant fucking read a business license agreement. I then proceeded to tell this asshole the better business bureau would be contacted and got a lawyer who is so racist will take a Chinkanese son of a whore to court on principle only. My day got better when after that was all said I got the shit for free. GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Tucker Maddox
OFF FOR 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND...CHECK BACK MONDAY FOR THE WEEKEND RECAP AND PARTIES.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

10 things that could have made Spiderman 2 an interesting movie.

Tucker Maddox
1. More ass kicking and less web-swinging, web swinging is cool when you're kicking ass in mid-air but not because you're depressed.
2. Hire a prettier Mary Jane. Kirstin Dunst? Why not Ally McBeal or Mary-Kate Olsen? Same weight but muuuuuuch prettier.
3. Make Mary Jane more outgoing and have people ask her name. "Ask me again I'll tell you the same."
4. Combine traits from "The Mask" with Spidey's mask to give the movie at least one comedic scene.
5. MJ wears a dress most of the movie, its windy the entire movie, yet not one shot of the undies. There's something wrong with an action movie with no action.
6. More web moves when he's kicking ass. If I wanted to see punches and kicks I'd watch a Steven Seagal or Jet Li movie. Spidey's...well, a spider dammit.
7. Venom
8. Spidey clones out to kick Spiderman's wimpy ass.
9. Less mushy gushy bullshit at the end, we came to see Spider Man not the ending to Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
And Finally...
10. More porn, dammit not one titty, ass shot, or flash of chonies. We saw Peter Parker's titties but not hers. Definitely something wrong with that.

What Da Hook Gon' Repeat?

Tucker Maddox
All right that's it, I'm sick of all the new shitty rap songs that have been taking over the radio stations lately. Not only the songs but the artists. Why you ask? There's NOTHING innovative, clever, or even catchy about 90% of rap now-a-days. Everything now is about how many times you can repeat yourself before the next verse comes up. Some examples include: ALL songs by Cassidy, Fabolous, MA$E, Chingy, R-Kelly aka the Rapist, Nick Cannon, and Lil' Jon. How many times does she need to know "It's ya song ma" or "Welcome Back" or even that you'll be "Checkin out 6 in the mornin'"? Dammit that's why oldies are back in style. What? Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk? Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!! Man that's all I have to say and I'm gonna get paid big bucks, shit I'll take it. Over this new bullshit, give me Vanilla Ice. At least when the hook repeats its whispered so I know I won't have to turn the music down to prevent annoying my friends. One thing I must say though, the hooks from these artists make excellent ringtones so I appreciate them in that sense. But enough is enough, either think of something new so that rap doesn't become shittier than this or enjoy being just as bland as a bowl of pencil shavings and hay. Enjoy having as much skill rapping, as "My First Casio Keyboard" has making a beat. "See I don't need no fuckin' skillz for this beat". Officially cRAP music now.