Sunday, June 20, 2004

Party Post: Maloney's

Tucker Maddox
Here's a recipe to start your night before the bar: Drink 6-8 beers a person, fill a cooler with the remaining beers, bring water, and head to the bar only when you slur words. Maloney's isn't the greatest spot, but there's enough drunken college girls there to make it a hotspot. First of all I need to say something about bar DJ's; DON'T PLAY "SWEET CAROLINE" IN A BAR FULL OF COLLEGE KIDS. What the hell was wrong with this guy? I mean it was perfect, girls holdin a beer in each hand, my boys there with girls all over them, but come on Sweet Caroline? This isn't the CowPony dammit. Back to my story, once we get there we head straight for the bar to get some more drinks. DDW *initials only* was on tab (his turn to pay), so he ordered us three pints of beer on his credit card. Lesson in life #2, bartenders are hot, but waitresses at a bar can be soooo much hotter. I think its the fact that they're physically flirty not just over the counter smiling. This chick was smilin, touchin my shoulders and arms, I'm thinkin thoughts here I shouldn't but shit, she was fuckin gorgeous. She takes off to go get our beer and 5 mins goes by, then 10, then 15, and still no fuckin beer. Bitch please! She sure took his credit card fast enough but no beer? 20 minutes goes by and finally she appeared with ICE COLD BEER, bout fuckin time. So we're all gettin drunk pissy with it and all, laughin it up with some females we recognized, and with some of our boys from highschool. We got there late so an hour into our fun it was closing time so we headed outside to talk to some of the girls we met before. Oh my God, what darkness can hide...Outside I felt as if I were surrounded by female Orcs from Lord of the Rings. Many of the girls that, after a few beers inside and some poor lighting, looked great inside looked evil. So we were out faster than a black man at a Klan rally but we weren't quite ready to go home yet. We rode around for a bit talkin shit to people trying to get in fights but to no avail. That shit got boring as we only had people wanting to fight that were no bigger than my dog laying down and hunger started to set in so off to Losbetos for some grub. We get there and start headin for the front door when, BOOM, it hit all of us like train; The piss from Hell...Oh man I had to pee so bad lemme explain, I rate pisses on an "ahhh" scale. Ahh's are when you uncontrollably say "ahhh" or sigh heavily while pissing. Normal pisses are anywhere from 1-3 ahhh's, while slightly more draining ones can be 4-6. But nowhere near this piss, oh no, this was a full 8 ahh's! Feeling drained and now slightly retarded do to the overwhelming good feeling of starting a new Great Lake, we all started walking towards the door of Losbetos when there he was...Mr Policeman. He wasn't sure if we had pissed or not so as we started going in he stopped us and asked why we were over there so long, and why my buddy MD *initials only* was fixing his belt. Of course we're not gonna say "cuz I was pissin officer" so MD told him his belt came loose. At first it looked like he accepted that answer but as soon as we got inside he darted over to where we pissed. Time to bounce...We sprinted for about 1/4 of a mile away from there through some alley's and behind some buildings before we just couldn't run anymore. It's just a piss right? Not according to tpd, they sent a helicopter and a few cars lookin for us. We snuck around the side and got back in the car and took the fuck off, of course never gettin caught. Who knew pissin on a wall was wrong? Oh well...drove to the next, ate my burrito, drove home and passed the fuck out...Scale: 6/10 on the night.