Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Best Buy Masturbation

Arnold Schwollenpecker
So I'm sitting here wondering what my first ever post should be. And then it hits me, Masturbation at Best Buy. May just very well be the type of story you would view on the twilight zone. This strange occurrence happened on one of my many trips to Best Buy. IM strolling through the dvds looking for some new killing movies. After choosing all the movies I was to purchase that day I decided to kill some time by just walking cluelessly through out the entire store. Looking at the big screens, then the new dvd players, and then seeing if any new killing games came out. After being highly disappointed by the amount of bullshit trying to be passed off as killing games, I proceed to wander to the blender section. Now I am, as thoroughly confused as you are and wondering why the fuck am I heading to the blender section. To this day I am still baffled by the sudden magnetic type pull the blender section had on me. As I proceeded to the blenders the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand up, like they only do when my animalistic instincts reach a new height of sexual arousal. As I approached the new blend-o-matic 2005 I felt a great pressure build up in my loins. This was quickly followed the almost overwhelming urge to just whip my shit out and start flogging the hell out of my log. I mean I often get sexually aroused inside of Best Buy, I mean what guy doesn't, but this was beyond any type of sexual urge I have ever had. The feeling that controlled my body, was that of a little kid waking up on Christmas Day at 3am just to open up 1 gift. IM sure what will baffle scholars for many generations to come is not my urge to have sex but the urge to pleasure myself. In fear of being banned from Best Buy for being in full salute of the blenders I quickly rushed home and relieved myself of any unneeded stress I had been feeling that day. Very strange. This feeling has never happened to me again. But I fear one day, just maybe one day it will hit me again. I can only pray for the inner strength to deny my urges in fear of hitting some little tike in the eye.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Tucker Maddox
Coming soon: New Cast Members. In the next few days you will not only see posts from me, but also some from bruddah from anudda mudda. Arnold Schwollenpecker himself...So stay tuned. Much more to come...UPDATE 6/30/04: NEW MEMBER TO THE SITE, ARNOLD SCHWOLLENPECKER...WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?

S.A.N.D Fund Most Donations Accepted.

Tucker Maddox
NEW: Tucker Maddox S.A.N.D Fund (Save A Negro from Dying) It appears times got a wee bit harder due to some untimely bills for medical reasons. Any donations will be accepted its just this week only as I feel I'll be ok for next week. Email me at my email address to the right, or if you know me personally send an im or email and let me know if you can help. Only legit donations please I'm not lookin to make a profit just relief for this week. If you owe me money dammit pay it back. Anything will help. *note "anything excludes pesos, cans, advice, dirt, glass, spit, pee or poo, ticket stubs, wrappers, butts (all kinds), and anything else that is NOT current US legal tender/currency* Money orders, checks and cash if ur gonna help. Also donations will not qualify me to be "in debt" to you unless its via gratitude then thanks a million.

Yo mama's on crack rock...

Tucker Maddox
It's just gotta be said: Don't lend money to little blonde bitches with daughters named [name removed to protect the innocent]. I'm not gonna name no names, but a certain blonde bitch (for name purposes we'll refer to her as Lebron) Lebron's ol bitch ass owes me $20 dollars. See, she claimed she needed it for gas til thursday, I'm guessing either coke or crack or she came up short to her midget pimp. I felt bad for her, sometimes I'm a gentleman, and let her borrow the money. This was early June or maybe even late May and still no money. Triflin bitch it was a LOAN no gifts. Anyways I digress, so Lebron promised in 4 days I would have my money back and after countless calls and texts back and forth she agreed to leave it outside under a rock. Not there, she never came by. Damn crackhead blonde bitches...There I roasted ya. Tucker Maddox wants his money, I think you should give him his money. Remember kids, crack kills...
Women: 2 Tucker Maddox: 0

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Some random (yet original) thoughts:

Tucker Maddox
It is better to kill a mockingbird than to mock a serial killer.
1+2 can equal 5 if you get them both pregnant.
People in glass houses use a lot of Windex.
To err is human, to really fuck up takes a politician.
Behind every strong man is a strong woman but sometimes its another strong man.
On the road of life there are many turn signals but only one dead end.
I got my masters in aviation the same year I was chosen Mr. Congeniality: I'm Aero-dynamic
Why kill 2 birds with one stone when you can wipe out many with poisoned bird seed?
Life's a bitch then you marry one, then your other one has puppies.
It takes an village to raise a child, but one priest to make him an adult.
Its easier than shootin dead fish on a table.
What came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster came first.
No copying here so if you copy me at least give me credit. Tuckermaddox bitches...

Saturday, June 26, 2004

What's half a Dub?

Tucker Maddox
Ok thats it ive seen it all, spinners (the rims that spin once youve stopped) on a buick skylark. Not a kitted out skylark, but a regular red skylark. Holy shit....you pimpin now man...sittin on them tens. *Note* He kept em clean tho. Wearing a jordan visor, who the hell wears visors anymore??? You've reached an all time low when ur car has spinners and the cost of your wardrobe is no more than $200. Keep rollin rollin rollin rollin....

I got a job yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Tucker Maddox
If you're retarded don't take my order.
I know I should have figured this out already, but there's a reason you're working at Burger King. Today I came into BK to get myself 3 regular cheeseburgers. First let me start with this, its breakfast time right now so ordering from the regular menu is a major faux pas. I feel like screamin "DFENS" and going ape shit as I order my wammy burgers with cheese (watch the movie falling down if you have no clue what I'm talking about.) So I ordered my food and the total came out to $2.55 so I hand the girl, who's no older than 13, $2.60. Two dollars, two quarterrs and a dime and you know what she did? She looked me square in the eye and sternly told me that I had shorted her by a nickel. "Sir thats only two fifty", you've gotta be kidding me. If you're that retarded, don't take my order dammit.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Bullshit: The new alternative fuel.

Tucker Maddox
Imagine this: your car, home and personal devices all powered by one
endless fuel supply. In a world today where wars break out over oil and
gasoline or the derivatives of oil, most people forget about this
abundant fuel. Bullshit in all forms burns clean. A highly abundant
source of bullshit exists in every state, every country, and every
continent. Get into your car and simply think and away you go. Most
people are so full of bullshit they can power multiple machines at
once. No longer would you need to depend on the heads of government to
regulate prices as your own bullshit would be free. An honest person?
Like to lend a helping hand? No problem as our advisors and trainers
will have you producing mass amounts of this great fuel in no time!
Warning overuse may cause many people to no longer be full of shit. If
you have any problems consult a doctor before attempting to use your
bullshit. Side effects include honesty, devotion, and dedication. A
clinical study shows women more often than men have a steady supply. It
could happen ya know?
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Tucker Maddox
UPDATE: Coming soon to TuckerMaddox, live audio from parties, fights, shit talking, and more taken directly from my sidekick and instantly posted here. Keep eyes peeled for future audio updates...UPDATE TO THE UPDATE, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. THEY TRYIN TO CHARGE ME 4.95 A MONTH SO I CAN LEAVE SOME MEASILY AUDIO ON A WEBSITE. WHEN I START GETTIN SOME DONATIONS OR SOMETHING, SURE I'LL DO IT. TIL THEN NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Weapons of Matt's Destruction.

Tucker Maddox
George W. is lookin in the wrong spot for these WMD. No no they are NOT in Iraq nor in Iran. No these WMD reside here in America, up my friend Matt's ass. "Oh dear GOD that was evil", that was all I could think of as I was clinging to the window for dear life. It all happened once we had left the mall and were on our way back to my house. The words everyone knows to mean "imminent danger" were then uttered by my friend: "I don't feel so well, my stomach is killin me." Immediately I scooted about another two inches closer towards the window knowing that at any second it may get ugly. He slowly lifted his leg off of the seat, and as if we were in a movie, everything started going in slow motion. Unfortunately unlike in the movies there were no foley artists nor sound bytes to fake the sound. No no folks, this was the real deal. I waited for the thunderous rumble of an upset stomach fart, and was pleasantly relieved when he set his leg back down on the seat without a sound. For a brief second as everything was still in slow motion I felt relieved and a calming feeling came over me; and then it hit me...Like a silent ninja it crept up on me and strangled me. I couldn't breathe, think, nor see and nor could I move. With some evil incantation muttered from his ass he put a spell on me. I finally mustered up enough strength to get my head out the window. Bad move. As the air escaped from inside the car, the weapons of Matt's destruction followed. My nose seemed to be the preferred storage place. That evilness ran right back up my nose and infiltrated my brain cells. Tears came to my eyes as I contemplated opening the door and stepping out while the car was still moving. Weapons of mass destruction are right here in America folks. Weapons of Matt's ASS destruction, is the full term for it. Somebody pray for him, and call an exorcist..

Monday, June 21, 2004

New AOL for Black People!

Tucker Maddox
Now you and all your homiez can keep in touch online! Introducing AOL® for Black People. Fully customized to suit the needs of Black people and partial Black people. With new features such as Who Dat Be?®, Where Da Party At?®, and What Cho Name Is?®, AOLFBP chat rooms revolutionize the way we speak online. Need a new Kool-Aid recipe? Not a problem with AOLFBP's new You've Got Kool-Aid® service with Sugar/Water ratio calculator. Now its easier than ever to share your pictures with This Ma Baby Daddy/Mama service. AOLFBP has several built in security features to help protect you and your family. With our award winning Back the Fuck Up® firewall technology, hackers don't stand a chance. AOLFBP uses the new What You Claim® voice recognition technology to protect your passwords and important information, simply push sign on and when prompted, yell "Westside" or wherever you're from. It's that easy! Don't have a microphone? If you have a web cam simply sign on and when prompted, throw up "westside" or whatever you claim. AOLFBP's built in Hood Locator will match your gang signs to a database and complete sign on if it matches. You'll be greeted by familiar AOL® sounds such as, "You done been had got some mail dawg" and "Whattup Dawg" and "Peace Nigga". With award winning security and fully customizable options, nothing beats AOL for Black People. Try it now for fitty days free.

Ok, T-mobile service doesn't suck...It nails me no vaseline and no backrub.

Tucker Maddox
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh son of a bitch", a common expression you will hear me say if you are anywhere me and my T-mobile phone at the same time. Dammit I know I already mentioned this, but T-mobile sucks some major balls here. We're not talking golf or ping-pong here, no were talkin beach and four square balls. Son of a bitch...Currently I'm waiting on a replacement for my sidekick so I'm going to list the shit that's wrong with it: First and foremost, it powers off on its own. Not just any power off where it saves everything then turns off, no this piece of shit shuts down at random, whether battery is full or not. I'm midsentence, text message, email, im convo, doesn't matter to this thing; when it's off time it's off time. Secondly, the number "4" has issues. It either works or it doesn't its a toss up. Out of nowhere the damn roller stopped working, I can only push in the roller button but no up and down scrolly action for TuckerMaddox here, oh no that would be too easy. Last but not least, and I have to refer to a previous article, but dammit if I sneeze, fart, or think, the damn thing goes out of signal range. At least rub my back while ur nailin me...Dammit T-mobile, I would shake my fist at you but my phone would probably die or drop my next call, so I'm chill you ain't gotta worry bout me. Fuckers...
T-mobile:4 TuckerMaddox:0

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Party Post: Maloney's

Tucker Maddox
Here's a recipe to start your night before the bar: Drink 6-8 beers a person, fill a cooler with the remaining beers, bring water, and head to the bar only when you slur words. Maloney's isn't the greatest spot, but there's enough drunken college girls there to make it a hotspot. First of all I need to say something about bar DJ's; DON'T PLAY "SWEET CAROLINE" IN A BAR FULL OF COLLEGE KIDS. What the hell was wrong with this guy? I mean it was perfect, girls holdin a beer in each hand, my boys there with girls all over them, but come on Sweet Caroline? This isn't the CowPony dammit. Back to my story, once we get there we head straight for the bar to get some more drinks. DDW *initials only* was on tab (his turn to pay), so he ordered us three pints of beer on his credit card. Lesson in life #2, bartenders are hot, but waitresses at a bar can be soooo much hotter. I think its the fact that they're physically flirty not just over the counter smiling. This chick was smilin, touchin my shoulders and arms, I'm thinkin thoughts here I shouldn't but shit, she was fuckin gorgeous. She takes off to go get our beer and 5 mins goes by, then 10, then 15, and still no fuckin beer. Bitch please! She sure took his credit card fast enough but no beer? 20 minutes goes by and finally she appeared with ICE COLD BEER, bout fuckin time. So we're all gettin drunk pissy with it and all, laughin it up with some females we recognized, and with some of our boys from highschool. We got there late so an hour into our fun it was closing time so we headed outside to talk to some of the girls we met before. Oh my God, what darkness can hide...Outside I felt as if I were surrounded by female Orcs from Lord of the Rings. Many of the girls that, after a few beers inside and some poor lighting, looked great inside looked evil. So we were out faster than a black man at a Klan rally but we weren't quite ready to go home yet. We rode around for a bit talkin shit to people trying to get in fights but to no avail. That shit got boring as we only had people wanting to fight that were no bigger than my dog laying down and hunger started to set in so off to Losbetos for some grub. We get there and start headin for the front door when, BOOM, it hit all of us like train; The piss from Hell...Oh man I had to pee so bad lemme explain, I rate pisses on an "ahhh" scale. Ahh's are when you uncontrollably say "ahhh" or sigh heavily while pissing. Normal pisses are anywhere from 1-3 ahhh's, while slightly more draining ones can be 4-6. But nowhere near this piss, oh no, this was a full 8 ahh's! Feeling drained and now slightly retarded do to the overwhelming good feeling of starting a new Great Lake, we all started walking towards the door of Losbetos when there he was...Mr Policeman. He wasn't sure if we had pissed or not so as we started going in he stopped us and asked why we were over there so long, and why my buddy MD *initials only* was fixing his belt. Of course we're not gonna say "cuz I was pissin officer" so MD told him his belt came loose. At first it looked like he accepted that answer but as soon as we got inside he darted over to where we pissed. Time to bounce...We sprinted for about 1/4 of a mile away from there through some alley's and behind some buildings before we just couldn't run anymore. It's just a piss right? Not according to tpd, they sent a helicopter and a few cars lookin for us. We snuck around the side and got back in the car and took the fuck off, of course never gettin caught. Who knew pissin on a wall was wrong? Oh well...drove to the next, ate my burrito, drove home and passed the fuck out...Scale: 6/10 on the night.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Saddaam Shame .

Tucker Maddox
You know, Saddaam shame this war is still goin on. Bush went lookin for some WMD and what did he find? Uh huh, weapons mass...He wont be happy until we no longer have Powell to stop the attacks on our soldiers. Now there's Al Qaeda shit happening weekly now thanks to this. I don't see any Reagan there should be anymore bloodshed; I'd say its time for our soldiers to leave now, we've seen enough Gore already. Let Iraq fix itself now, we can't Kerry their burden any longer. Let THEM rebuild THEMSELVES...They have my Condoleezzas when it comes to how they were treated and what the government has done to them. Nothin I can do tho, Saddaam shame...I misunderestimated Bush and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

Friday, June 18, 2004

The Cox Cable Upgrade Strikes Again.

Tucker Maddox
5 five reasons Cox Digital Cable blows.
1. Channels blackout more times than a group of 16 year old cheerleaders at a frat party.
2. Channel lineup includes favorite shows such as " No data available" on all channels, several times a day.
3. Every third commercial is either about Cox "high speed" internet or Cox digital telephone.
4. If channel lineup works half the time its displaying the wrong show at the wrong time slot.
5. THEY WANNA TAKE ESPN AND ESPN2 OUT OF THE LINEUP!!!!!
fuckin cox...

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Non-exicans: The new future ethnic category.

Tucker Maddox
We all have friends that are non-exicans; you know the people who have last names like Ramirez and Alvarez, and don't speak a lick of Spanish. I mean not even a sentence...I have friends that say "ok well" and "nah foo", like most Mexican Americans, but when you ask them to translate for you they freeze. So I've given them a new racial identification: Non-exicans. Non-exicans is short for Non-Mexicans, but see calling someone a non-mexican would be denying that they are Mexican. Your typical Non-exican has a strong Mexican accent, usually a set of seminarias *note 7 day bracelets* if its a girl or name plate necklace, and if a male there's the typical set of 100 spoke rims on the car with the last name *Ramirez, Gomez, or Sanchez" decal on the rear window. Mexican people right? Ehhhhhh, wrong...Noooooooooo Spanish at all. Not a word nor phrase nor translation coming from that person. Now I know what you're thinking, "Tucker Maddox doesn't like mexicans", ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wrong again. My girlfriend is pure mexican, most of my male friends are mexican, and my "little brother" is mexican. So none of that shit...But seriously when you live this close to Mexico you would think you could pick up more Spanish than that. I'm far from being Mexican and I know more Spanish than 70% of my town. I went to Mexico and dazzled people, "michael jordan can I have your autograph", I heard this from kids the whole day I was there; in Spanish of course. To all my friends that are reading this, it's nothing personal I'm just kidding with you. But seriously, cuando vas a aprender español?

Women are irritating as hell.

Tucker Maddox
New Fox special: When irritating women unite. Lately I'm finding myself completely surrounded by irritating women. Not your everyday nagging hag, you know the ones: "why didn't you [insert unimportant activity/previous request here] yesterday?", but those who literally take a cheese grater to chalkboard in your ear. These women may or may not be someone you know, may not even be asking you for something, or even talking to you. They may just be some random woman out in the community that shreds your patience. This morning I went to Walmart at 3am to get my nightly fix of chocolate milk and cookies. I get my delightful delicacies and proceed to the checkout lanes. To my "surprise" there's only one lane open and its the last one on the end. No biggie cuz I'm happy now that I have my goodies, and then she appeared...The wench from down below, who apparently hadn't been shopping in weeks, decided this was the perfect chance to stock up on supplies.
When I looked at what she was buying I felt my blood getting hotter; just a small list of some of her items: Preparation H, Totino's Pizzas (6-7), assorted candy bars, shower caps (4), several clothing items *who the fuck buys clothes from walmart?*, and finally 6 gallons of milk. 6 damn gallons of milk???? Who the hell needs 6 gallons of milk at 3am. So anyways, I let it all go once the 40th or 50th item had been scanned and eagerly awaited my turn to be rung up. Then she did the unthinkable; she whipped out the checkbook...Son of a bitch...Her total was 69.74 and the most expensive item was no more than 10 bucks so my patience was wearing thin already. But then noticed the cashiers name tag, "trainee". Dammit I'm battin a thousand here...It took the trainee cashier 8 separate requests to see the ladies' drivers license. 8 separate times the lady in front takes the license out of her purse, shows the cashier, gets it back, and puts it away. She's trying to fill out the check to pay for her truckful of shit, and she's being bombarded by DL requests. The cashier, feeling flustered and nervous, finally resigns and asks another attendant to open a register after helping her. After wasting 20 mins of my time. My conclusion: Women are more irritating than pouring Tabasco sauce into my ass.

Vote this year and win big!!!!!

Tucker Maddox
I'm going to cheat on my presidential ballot for 2004. Either candidate i choose I'm screwed. No vaseline, no backrub, just plain screwed. I've had a few days off recently so beyond the regular sports games on tv, I've decided to watch the Iraq issues and such. As well as watch the presidential match up *note: presidential shortcomings* to see who I'm voting for. Now see, I'm a "Democrat" so naturally you would think I'd vote for Kerry, but you're wrong. I'm not confined to voting only in my presidential party. The way I see it, if I vote for "Dubya" I'll lose money and fear imminent terrosit retalitory danger at all times, and if I vote Kerry, I have a huge nerdy, oversized novelty headed retard running my country. But wait there's more, Kerry and bush both want to keep shit rollin in Iraq. Some people ask "where's the middle class now?", the answer to that question is easy: Tax cut+Rich people-concern+middle class tax money=more poor people=less people in the middle making money and able to save it. Now the rich are saving more, the poor are gettin less, and the middle classman is now giving his savings to the rich man. Good work Bush can't wait to vote in 2004

T-Mobile service sucks balls.

Tucker Maddox
5 reasons tmobile can suck really big nuts.
1. Replacement unit for a broken phone is just as defective.
2. Calls drop more often in perfect signal strength than inside a concrete building.
3. Just looking at your phone instantly makes you lose two whole bars of signal strength.
4. Five second to 10 second ringtones cost $1.99 each.
5. Coverage area is reduced by lamp posts, concrete, sneezing, blinking, making calls, and flushing the toilet.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Ain't nothin goin on but the rent, no doubt.

Tucker Maddox
Aiight so life lesson number one: Ain't nothin goin on but the rent. Mortgage is due what seems to be every week, fuckin bill collectors. 697.22 bucks a month 4 bedroom house but shit can a brotha get a break? On to more important news, traffic is backed up as far as possible right now, and according to weathermark, an app on my sidekick showing current temp, its 102 outside. Too damn hot if you ask me. When things happen i'll get back to this, til then I'm out.